Some bowed their heads in prayer and silence while husbands' arms softly rubbed their wives' backs in comfort.

Others stared into the mesmerizing glow of the flames on the candles they lighted in remembrance of their children who died before, during or shortly after birth.

The holidays are hard for those who have lost loved ones. When those loved ones are babies, the pain never subsides.

The Lost Child Support Group sponsors an annual holiday memorial to help families ease into the season by remembering their children through song, readings and a candlelight vigil.

"It's not something you get over,'' said Marcy Gifford, Leadership Committee member for the Lost Child Support Group. "You never bury a child and get over it.''

Gifford, 36, of Galloway, lost twin boys five years ago. In many ways, she said, it is harder to lose a child than another loved one.

"You lose a future, all the dreams you had,'' Gifford said. "If you lose a spouse, you lose your present. If you lose a parent, you lose your past. You're a widower or an orphan, but there is no name for someone who has lost a child.''

Initial loss

Scott and Pauline Whited of Thurston, Ohio, have a 9-year-old son, but June 15 their twins, Joseph and Andrew, were both stillborn. The Whiteds were uncertain of how to respond and interact with their children.

"You know how to interact with a baby who's born live, but you don't know how to interact with a baby who's born still,'' Mr. Whited said.

The couple said a nurse at Grant Medical Center helped them through the process. Upon leaving, they found much support, but as the weeks passed, people forgot. During the first few months, they struggled with people's reactions and questions.

"I think it's typical of most infant losses that in the first month or so, everybody is there to pat you on the shoulder,'' said Mr. Whited, 33. "But as soon as the head marker is in the ground and two or three months passed, they'd ask, 'Are you OK now?' ''

Mrs. Whited, 30, had the hardest time four months after her twins died. She realized in October that they were really gone and hit rock bottom, almost to the point of hospitalization. The couple struggled with people asking them how they were and not bothering to listen for a response.

"Don't ask someone how they're doing if you're not prepared to listen,'' Mrs. Whited said. " 'How are you doing?' is just as common as hello, and it shouldn't be.''

Mr. Whited added, "Certain phrases grasp you, and you think they're asking you, but they're not really, they're just saying hello.''

Passing time

The grieving process does not become easier with time. Many couples go on to have other children, but Gifford said a part of their family will always be missing. Various dates haunt a couple for the rest of their lives.

"I'll never get to an Aug. 6 and not know what day it is,'' Gifford said. "Some say, 'She had other children; she should be OK,' but it doesn't replace them.''

Mr. Whited said it can be especially hard for women who miscarried.

"If you lose a child at five months, then nine months hits, you're supposed to be caring for them, changing diapers and putting them to bed,'' Mr. Whited said.

Gifford said the best thing friends and family can do is let your loved one know that you are there for them, thinking about them or that you understand this time of year is hard for them. She said loved ones need to remember birth dates and due dates, and call or send a card to help the parents through the difficult time.

Even simple questions are hard as time passes. When someone asks Gifford how many children she has, she struggles to answer.

"That's a hard question to answer. What do you say?'' Gifford said. "Sometimes I say I have five boys. Sometimes I say I have three living children.''

Gifford cautioned people against trying to rationalize the timing of the death to someone who has lost a child. She said some people will tell her that at least it happened now instead of five years from now after she had the chance to bond with them.

"Pick any day for your child to die,'' Gifford said. "There's never a good day. Never a best time. Never an easier time.''

Gifford's son Sean said the mourning process is a little different for men. He said for him and his dad, they still remember the twins, but it doesn't hit them as hard emotionally.

"I didn't cry at my brothers' funeral,'' Sean, 15, said. "They weren't my sons -- they were my brothers, and I didn't know them. It's an entirely different point of view than a woman, but we still remember.''

The Giffords go to the cemetery on holidays and birthdays to pay their respects to the boys.

"We don't pretend they're there, because they're not there, but we still remember them and love them,'' Sean said.

Outside support

Parents who lose children seek support from others, but many times those who help them the most are not friends and family.

"Unfortunately, most of the support you find is in this type of group,'' Mr. Whited said. "People have experienced it and been through it.''

Many hospitals offer support groups, but Lost Child is not affiliated with any hospital. It connects parents with other parents who have suffered from a similar loss because there are different issues with each type of loss. The group also offers a bimonthly newsletter with information about all support groups and commemoration events in central Ohio.

The Whiteds are trying to offer support for other couples. They want to start a program to make teddy bears and give them to mothers who have lost a child.

"No mother should ever walk out of a hospital empty-handed,'' Mrs. Whited said. "During the late nights when you're crying in the rocker, you have the bear there to hold in your arms.''

Couples, if they choose, may receive a memento box of everything pertaining to their child.

"You carry this box, but it's not the size, warmth or weight that a baby would be,'' Mr. Whited said.

Gifford said mementos may be hard for parents to deal with right away. Despite these feelings, she advises that the couple have pictures taken or a lock of hair cut and store everything at the hospital so they can retrieve them later if they choose.

Gifford also recommends that women hold their babies, even if doctors caution against it. She said many women regret not holding their child and having that memory.

"I'm grateful for those memories because it's all I have,'' said Gifford, who stores her twins' mementos in a fireproof box.

Through these items, memories and support from others, couples continue to live -- but will never forget their lost children.

"We're very blessed to have everything and know where they're at,'' Mrs. Whited said. "They landed in heaven June 15. They didn't die. That's their heaven date.''

For more information about the Lost Child Support Group or to subscribe to the group's newsletter, contact Sarah Paul at 614-841-0782. For more information about Riverside Methodist Hospitals' support group or to speak with a professional, contact Joanna Hart at 614-846-6044.

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